The Life I Planned to Live

Like most middle school girls I, too, played MASH with "big dreams big as St. Louis" (or so 12-year old me thought as my then "dream car" was a 2-door a Honda Accord #nojudgment).  If you're unfamiliar with the game of MASH, it's a game that allows one to choose categories surrounding arbitrary facts of adult life with different options under each category then eliminate all options until only one choice is left in each category.  

For example, MY life was gonna go like this: Married at 25, 2 Kids, driving a Honda Accord, while I worked as a nurse living in a mansion. Lol. Yep, that was some of the life I had planned. 

Fast forward 15 years: 27, Single, No Kids, driving a Chevy Malibu, Working in Higher Ed and living in a house.  Even as a child & during my time in undergrad at Southern (which reflects neither 12-nor 27-year old LouBay), something was missing.... God.

#Confession: over the first 23 years of my life, I gave ZERO thought of what God would want me to do, ZERO thought of any plans God had for me & ZERO thought of a life inclusive of God. I was “on track” but honestly just wasn't happy & spending day after day looking in the mirror frustrated while feeling “stuck” in the middle of everything.

"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” – Mark 8:34-35

The word “save” here means a rescuing that preserves and keeps one unharmed while being in right relationship with God.  When WE try to preserve our own lives (such as doing what society feels is the "right things"), we may get the worldly things everyone desires but at the cost of our relationship with Christ, but when we allow our plans & efforts to be laid aside for Christ to have free range then we are preserved in our relationship with and HE is free to add all those things to us as He sees fit, when He sees fit.

But this is the cool thing: God’s given EACH of us a purpose that not only glorifies Him but also fulfills & preserves us at the same time! WE just have to trust the way He’s chosen to orchestrate it.

“We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” – Prov. 16:9

The awesome thing about the last 4 years has been that God has ignited a passion within me to encourage other people through Christ’s relentless & unfailing love for us and it’s something I would have NEVER “planned” myself.  Wanting to worship God with my life cost me the plans I made ... BUT  I wake up & go to bed on good days & not-so-great days with joy knowing that I’m fulfilling God’s purpose for me in the midst of work, school, family, & friends. 

I write this because many of you are frustrated with life right now, experiencing a sort of “quarter(ish)-life crisis” and I just want to encourage to truly consider God’s plans for you in the wake of your own and allow Him to do what He does best! I pray we continuously move from "lives that include Christ" to "Christ-centered lives" and in a world where we're so bogged down with "stuff" that we strive to keep Christ first. In your uncertainty, I pray you enter into His presence where there is fullness of joy and that His plans for you exceed your expectations! I love you! J

Clear the Stage x @JimmyNeedham

"Easy" Button

DISCLAIMER: This is probably my most personal blog yet... bare with me for a few. :-)

So this past Sunday (May 26^th) I went here:

I went to the first installment of The Call back in August of last year & it was pretty amazing, just a night of worship with mostly folks my age…no program, no agenda, no mistress of ceremony… just worship. So my expectations for this one were pretty high … and not only were they exceeded, they were demolished. 

I stroll up in The Call Returns to get my praise & worship on… and out of nowhere Lady Robbin Hardy speaks about forgiveness of those who’ve hurt you. Huh? Ma’am…this ain’t what I came here for. I’m thinking “cool, some people in here really need to hear this”…and I’m like “WAIT…. MY feet are moving.”

At first I’m thinking “I don’t have anyone to forgive, I’m straight.”…There were some things & people that I recently forgiven (including myself for some things) … then God reminded me of one group of people that I hadn’t: the people who were involved with my nephew’s death.

Wait … I already forgave them. 

Or at least I thought I did.

Yet there I was, snot-faced, tears streaming … praying for them.  I needed to forgive them for ME, NOT for them.  Even though I thought I had forgiven them, I allowed what they did to change me.

My 18-y/o nephew Carlton Smith (along with his cousin Irise Blakes) was the victim of the violence that BR is all too familiar with on January 31, 2012. Carlton was a happy-go-lucky kid, amazing big brother, son, nephew, cousin & friend who had never been in trouble and was set to begin at BRCC in Summer ’12. Carlton had plans to go there before transferring to Southern University to get a degree in History in his pursuit to be an archaeologist.  We often joked about him wanting to be “THE famous Black archaeologist like Venus & Serena were THE famous Black tennis players.”  Lol.  

This was my nephew whose diapers I changed and shared pretzels, baby carrots & ranch sunflower seeds with until the day he left here, and had a matching Penguin onesie with me & my sister. Yes, the Penguin Onesie you all LOVE to clown. THIS Penguin onesie. J

I’ve spent so much time searching for the “Easy” button on how to forgive them …

Let me save you some trouble if you’re looking for it to forgive some people as well: there ISN’T one.  The unforgiveness in my heart only led to anger, bitterness & a crippling of things God wanted to do through me … Can you imagine the work God could do in our & through our lives once He occupies the space in our heart that unforgiveness resides in?

We have to leave that hurt, pain & anguish with Him – it’s far too heavy for us to continue to carry.  We have been charged by the Word of God to forgive as Christ continuously forgives us. 

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. – Colossians 3:13

Today I encourage you to forgive those who’ve hurt you. YES, it’s hard BUT it’s also healthy and necessary for YOU … for YOU  to heal and for YOU  to have peace.  Trust God’s promises that what they have sown they will reap and that your tears will be reaped with songs of joy.

I absolutely love you!

Allison

P.S. – Thanks again to all of you who kept me & my family in your prayers … they were/are truly needed. J

P.P.S.- Just realized it's been 6 months to the day since the last post ... how cool is God's timing? ;-)